When students go back to school, will they practice for divorce or prepare for marriage? That’s the question I asked myself as I read the recent Pew Center Report on the Generation Gap.  The report shows that young Americans are fed up with the divorce culture. Unfortunately, many of those same young people are embarking on a lifestyle that is setting them up for marital failure: cohabiting in their co-ed dorms.

The table entitled, “Views About Divorce, by Gender, Race and Age,” illustrates the younger generation’s tougher line on divorce than their elders. In response to the question, “Should (divorce) be avoided except in an extreme situation, or (is divorce) preferable to maintaining an unhappy marriage?” only 30% of Baby Boomers and 32% of those over 65 thought divorce should be avoided except in an extreme situation. These two generations institutionalized the Divorce Revolution. The immediate post WWII generation implemented no-fault divorce. The Boomers practiced it with a vengeance.

Their children, and their younger siblings are not so enthused. Nearly half of the youngest generation surveyed, those between the ages of 18 and 29, believe divorce should be a last resort.  The next older generation, born between 1958 and 1977, are Baby Boomer kid siblings and first offspring. Forty-two percent of this group think divorce should be avoided.

In my experience giving speeches on campuses, I have been stunned by how many students are sick of divorce. They’ll tell me about their parents’ four divorces.  Or they’ll tell me how horrid it was when their mom kicked their dad out of the house. One young man described his humiliation watching his mom’s parade of boyfriends.  Even students who disagree with me about things like gay “marriage,” admit I’m right about the problems of children of unmarried parents.  These young men and women want lifelong marriage for themselves, and for their children.

Unfortunately, some of their other views will not serve them well in their ambitions for life-long married love. The same Pew report showed them to be tolerant of cohabitation. The trend toward cohabitation is partly due to fear of divorce: people view cohabitation as a safe alternative to marriage and as a test-drive for marriage. Unfortunately, neither of these perceptions is accurate.  Cohabiting does not protect a person from the pain that breaking up so often causes. And, cohabiting couples are more, not less likely to divorce, if they ultimately do marry.

Many cohabiting couples don’t exactly “decide” on their status: they make a series of non-decisions. One sleep-over leads to another, with a few possessions being moved in each time. People tell themselves they are having a “test drive,” sitting back rationally deciding whether this relationship is really right for them.  But their bodies have a different agenda.

People attach to each other through the sexual act. For women, the physiology of attachment takes place through a hormone called oxytocin, which we release when we are making love or nursing a baby.  This hormone tells us to relax and connect to the person we’re with, whether it is the nursing infant who is radically dependent on us, or the partner who could become the father of a child.  This attachment hormone is our body’s way of trying to create a family.

Although men famously do not attach to their partners as easily as women do, men do nonetheless bond. The cohabiting couple may believe they are testing out their relationship. But in fact, their bodies are creating an “involuntary chemical commitment,” whether they are really a good match for each other or not.

This is one reason why cohabitation is so often disappointing. If the couple breaks up, as they are statistically more likely to do than married couples, the pain of the breakup can be just as intense as if they were married. And if they do get married, they may not be as well matched as they think they are.  They may wake up one morning and wonder who the heck they are in bed with.  They may feel themselves to be in an “arranged marriage:” arranged by a couple of kids buzzing with hormones on the brain, rather than by adult parents. Their bodies have connected, in spite of their belief that they are hedging their bets.   

Preparing for marriage or for divorce?  The young want life-long married love. They deserve accurate information from us: cohabiting in the dorm rooms is a set-up for marital failure.

Dr. Drew Pinsky addesses young Washington D.C. interns for the 5th annual Sex and Dating Conference sponsored by the Independent Women's Forum

Echoing the findings of the IWF study: Hanging out Hooking Up: College Women on dating and mating on college campuses today, Dr. Drew cautioned students about the prevailing sexual mores that pervade modern campus life.

"He bemoaned the culture of hookups on college campuses. 'For the first time in human history, we’re unhinged from our biology,” he said, “and that’s profound.' He spoke of how a booze-fueled culture of hooking up on college campuses is unhealthy, for both men and women.

The only reason alcohol is involved, Pinsky said, was because the situation was so 'unnaturally intense.' Men drink to suppress their anxiety in approaching women, he said, and women drink to abandon their tendency to associate emotions with physical relations."

SHOULD WE LIVE TOGETHER?
What Young Adults Need to Know about Cohabitation before Marriage

Cohabitation is replacing marriage as the first living together experience for young men and women. When blushing brides walk down the aisle in the 1990s, more than half have already lived together with a boyfriend.

For today's young adults, the first generation to come of age during the divorce revolution, living together seems like a good way to achieve some of the benefits of marriage and avoid the risk of divorce. Couples who live together can share expenses and learn more about each other. They can find out if their partner has what it takes to be married. If things don't work out, breaking up is easy to do. Cohabiting couples do not have to seek legal or religious permission to dissolve their union. Not surprisingly, young adults favor cohabitation. According to surveys, most young people say it is a good idea to live with a person before marrying.

But a careful review of the available social science evidence suggests that living together is not a good way to prepare for marriage or to avoid divorce. What's more, it shows that the rise in cohabitation is not a positive family trend. Cohabiting unions tend to weaken the institution of marriage and pose clear and present dangers for women and children. Specifically, the research indicates that: · Living together before marriage increases the risk of breaking up after marriage. · Living together outside of marriage increases the risk of domestic violence for women, and the risk of physical and sexual abuse for children. · Unmarried couples have lower levels of happiness and well-being than married couples.

Because this generation of young adults is so keenly aware of the fragility of marriage, it is especially important for them to know what contributes to marital success and what may threaten it. Yet many young people do not know the basic facts about cohabitation and its risks. Nor are parents, teachers, clergy and others who instruct the young in matters of sex, love and marriage well acquainted with the social science evidence. Therefore, one purpose of this paper is to report on the available research.

Pastor Dave Gudgel bridges current social science evidence with biblical wisdom to counsel against premarital cohabitation

"Today one in two couples co-habit before they marry, while the number of couples living together has increased more than ten fold in the last thirty years. Those who consider themselves “religious” are also following the same trend with between two and three out of five couples living together before marriage. In Before You Live Together, Dr. Dave Gudgel examines the reasons and results of living together before marriage. Although the majority of people think cohabitating is a good idea, the statistics show that it is not."

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