Responses to When "I's" Become "We":
My Parents were an excellent example of Spousal Cooperation. Both of them worked, they were both teachers. So once I was old enough to go to school, they were free when I was free. My mother always said that from the outset, my father said: "Since we both work, we both need to work around the house too.
It wouldn't be fair for my wife to have to work as hard as I do during the day and be responsible for everything at home too." My father did the laundry, Vacuumed, and did the dishes. All by choice, because he felt that as a married couple, sharing life together meant sharing the chores fairly also.
In a good marriage, the two do become as one. I would no more say that's a job for my right hand it does all the yard work, my left had does all the house work than I would say that, "That's "woman's" work, or that's "mens" work.
If
the two do become as one, no job is beneath either partner. Many times when I was young, I was sick from my allergies, If I got sick, my father never said, "Mary, you clean up after 'Your' son." While mom was putting me back to bed dad would start to clean up, and mom would go back and help.
I thank God for the love and witness I saw in my parents, for the truth in my fathers belief that Marriage was an equal partnership, and that there was nothing in that partnership that was beneath him if mom needed help.
- Richard Sweeney
I have thought for many years that, as women have been more accepted in the workplace, and as they have been able to stand in society as dignified people in their own right...and not just because of who they happened to marry; as all of this has happened, women have been trapped in the same cage men have always been prisoner to.
I have heard women talk about how it was in the 70's when they could not get credit for anything if they didn't have a husband to sign for them. I have heard women tell of the pitiful wages they earned then for the same or even more prestigious work than men earned. You could make a good case for saying that teachers, for example, recieve such low salaries because it is still considered to be women's work.
On the other hand, women who chose to go to work thirty years ago are now forced to go to work in order to make ends meet. Many women today work because they have no other choice. What happened in these years to make women slaves to other things besides husbands? I applaud new feminist liberation and hope these women figure out what we men should have been working on for a couple of centuries now: how to free ourselves to be productive instead of be trapped by economic necessity. - John White
The success of the scenario you propose does not rest solely on the wife.
There are women (and I am one) who committed to a lifetime marriage, trying
working full-time, part-time, in the home full-time, raising two kids, all in my
hope of developing a cooperative marriage that would fulfill both partners and
provide loving security for our kids. However, my husband, a repeated philanderer,
and abusive dominant, responded to each collaborative overture of mine with a
rejecting insistence that I needed to submit further to him. Repeatedly, he rejected
any responsibility or respect for my needs which were part of our needs. Our divorce,
after 17 years of marriage and a total of 24 years of relationship was the last resort
for me when I finally realized that marriage for him meant an open marriage which
would also include my acceptance of his need to dominate me physically and
emotionally, to the point of physical injury, in all areas of our life. There are limits.
I found your article interesting intellectually, and I believe you made some excellent
points, but your thesis presumes an emotionally safe and respected power differential
that is not always present. Please be very careful about judging women whose survival
depends on their ability to sense that their lives have worth beyond what an abusive
spouse would lead them to believe.
- K.C.
Dr. Jennifer Roback Morse responds:
I am always amazed by letters like this one. In my article, I specifically said that the problem is no-fault divorce, which benefits faithless spouses at the expense of innocent spouses. In this particular case, the wife has been the victim of serial adultery, as well as physical and mental cruelty. Any of these three things would have constituted a marital fault in just about any jurisdiction of the United States prior to 1970. Under fault rules, a spouse like this one would have had more recourse against her husband. As a side benefit, spouses who were inclined to stray were often constrained by the knowledge that the judge would take a dim view of their behavior.
In 2005, the Center of Arizona Policy was able to promote a bill that would allow a family court judge to take marital fault into account in property and custody settlements. Notice the bill would allow, but not require, the judge to consider fault. This legislature approved this bill. Governor Napolitano vetoed it, at the behest of the family law bar. Her reasoning was that it would bog down the family courts, by “forcing them to adjudicate marital fault for the first time since 1973.” She completely overlooked the fact that courts just might face fewer divorces if people were held accountable for faithless behavior. As matters now stand in AZ, this wife would have to prove criminal conduct, which requires a much higher standard of proof, in order to have a judge consider her husband’s behavior in settling property or visitation.
I do not consider this to be an issue of gender: it is an issue of justice. There are faithless spouses, male and female alike, who are taking advantage of the no-fault rules to violate the most elementary standards of common decency. The law should be changed. Until it is, women and men alike are going to be vulnerable to opportunistic behavior by their spouses.
I see the collaboration model described in the recent tothesource article as a very shallow version of marriage. The marriage covenant, as exemplified by Christ and applied in the Spirit's power, has more splendid outcomes.
Perhaps collaboration is the best that a secular framework can provide.
- J.W.
Thanks to Jennifer Roback Morse for sharing her wise insights about spousal cooperation. As the "bread-winner" in the house, with a stay-at-home spouse,
I appreciate her affirmation of the "we" in marriage. A further expansion of
Jennifer's concept is to go from two I's to "we three" as in recognizing God's presence as the "third strand" of the marriage relationship, with husband and wife. Never sever, always connect.
Keep the excellent content coming!
- Dave Pipitone
It seems to me that too many times over the parents go out and work for their own "self-preservation," instead of "marriage-preservation." This, in my opinion, is causing more and more problems in society because it is showing male and female children alike that you need to worry about yourself. The nurturing mother shows compassion towards the children and in-turn gives a great example of what the children should do, show compassion. On the other hand the male part in marriage should be steadfast and protect what he has helped create (through the help of the female). Divorce rates are being increasingly higher due to this perdicament, too.
- Nathan Brokaw
Remember there are men who stay home with their children while the woman as the only "paying" job outside the home.
- J.B. |