In the U.S., there are approximately one million more children of divorce every year, joining the ranks of at least a quarter of their peers whose parents are already divorced.
The burgeoning numbers born to parents who never marry in the first place – now almost forty percent of births – swell their ranks even further. If these children don’t lose contact completely with a parent they shuttle between two households, often filled with full, step-, or half-siblings, or the children of mom or dad’s girlfriend or boyfriend. They have stepparents and parents’ live-in partners. Their busy working parents might rely on grandparents, sitters, or after-school programs to fill the child-care gaps. It would seem that everywhere they go the children of divorce are surrounded by people, and there are literally millions upon millions in the same situation. And yet their spiritual condition – the memories and struggles they most often recall when they grow up and reflect on it all – can be summed up by one simple word: alone.
Growing up, the children of divorce feel lonely, set apart, adrift, too often misunderstood. In the crazy whirl of modern society and chaotic family lives they soldier along as child-sized old souls, acquainted with losses they are not yet able to articulate, looking to their parents, teachers, and church leaders for solace and answers which these adults are too often unable or unwilling to give.
In a nationally-representative study I conducted with Professor Norval Glenn of the University of Texas at Austin, first reported in my book Between Two Worlds, the grown children of divorce were only half as likely to recall that they went to one or both parents for comfort when they were younger, instead often going to peers – either siblings or friends – or dealing with their troubles alone. They had profound issues with respect and forgiveness of their fathers, and many of them had similar troubles with their mothers as well. They felt less protected by their parents and more responsibility to care for younger siblings. They more often felt like outsiders in their own homes, and only a minority strongly agreed that they felt emotionally safe as children. When they grow up, the children of divorce are more likely to say that they depend on their friends more than their families. Though many of them had passing acquaintance with the church, and most describe themselves as spiritual and believing in God, they are far less likely than their peers from intact families to be religious, to be a member of a faith community, or to be a leader in a faith community. Of those who were active in a church at the time of their parents’ divorce, two-thirds say that no one from the clergy or congregation reached out to them at that time.
When I interviewed these young people what struck me is how often they sought out the church as children all by themselves. These children and teens often did not go to church with even one parent, much less two.
Twelve-year old Angela was attracted to her stepmother’s Lutheran faith but fell away when the Lutheran pastor and her own mother did not take seriously her spiritual questions and struggles. Melissa fell away from an Episcopalian tradition that promised that God was like a loving father who is always there for you, yet God’s seeming lack of response to her prayers too painfully evoked her own father’s lack of response to the letters she wrote to him so faithfully. Katy shared her strong Roman Catholic faith with her mother, but in the summers when she lived with her father he would drop her off alone at Mass and drive away.
Ashley’s busy working mother left the care of her four children to her own mother. Ashley’s grandmother took her and her siblings to church when they were younger, but when Ashley was twelve her grandmother died. Her older siblings gradually stopped attending church. For a while, Ashley continued getting on the city bus to go to church by herself, but she soon fell away too. She recalled, “There were a couple of other kids who, you know, the parents would slow the car down and let them out.” She sat with those kids, set apart from “the kids who there with their parents…in the pews that were close to the front.”
Only some, like Michael, recalled attending a youth group with a friend and finding a loving, faith-filled youth leader who drew him into the full life of the church, where Michael remains a leader today.
The church is called to the vulnerable and voiceless, and surely prominent among them are children whose families have broken up. Yet to listen to the stories of children of divorce is to hear, so often, heart breaking stories of children and teens who sought out the guidance and comforts of faith only to fall away because they were not seen, or understood, or helped. Their stories do not fit into the neatly-packaged children’s ministry model of children transported happily to church in the loving company of their mother and father. They are different, and there is no congregation in this country whose members and whose community remains untouched by the scars of family break up.
So what are churches doing to make sure there are more “Michaels,” more young people who, even if they show up without their parents, are welcomed into the full life of the church? To learn more I called Linda Ranson Jacobs, executive director of Divorce Care for Kids, which publishes a sensitive, Bible-based curriculum now in use by over two thousand congregations in the U.S. and around the world. Most of the children served by these programs do not come from within the congregation. These are ministries that enable congregations to reach out into the community to help suffering children who may not be showing up on Sunday morning. Children who have been through the program say it is a fun, safe place. They gain a sense of belonging in the church and hear a strong message that God’s word is for them too. Their parents and teachers say they notice a difference in the children’s behavior at home and at school. They feel less fear and more hope, and behavior problems can improve.
Two thousand congregations is a great start. But why aren’t far more congregations trying this out? Ranson Jacobs says she hears two or three main reasons why they don’t. Church leaders say that they can’t find leaders to run the program. Or they say they tried it but “only” two kids showed up. Or, most startling, some will tell her that there just isn’t a need in their community. Ranson Jacobs has responses to all of these points.
She has found that the most powerful adult leaders to run a Divorce Care for Kids program are adults who went through their own parents’ divorce as children. They know the pain. And, because they are in the church, they know the rich potential for hope and healing the church holds for these children. They make fantastic, motivated leaders – once you find them. But because of their own histories they are not always found sitting in the front pew or attending the pastor-parish board meeting. They don’t have a big sign on their foreheads that reads “child of divorce,” and Ranson Jacobs observes that these potential leaders “don’t always feel worthy to step up and serve.” But if church leaders pray to be led to these people, they will find them.
She also emphasizes that a church should start a ministry even if only two or three children show up – in fact, when dealing with young children, small is good. These children need safe places and strong personal relationships. And once word gets out, more children will come.
Finally, it’s clear that any congregation who thinks there isn’t a need for ministries to children from broken families simply has its head in the sand. Today, no corner of America is untouched by this suffering. We can debate how best to respond to the problem, but we cannot deny that the problem is real, profound, and growing. Congregations who do not respond will find themselves increasingly stagnate, unintentionally isolating themselves from the diverse, complex experience of children and young people today. Congregations who do respond will find themselves developing new leaders, welcoming new children and families into the fold, and becoming leaders in their communities and beyond as together we confront profound social problems that have the potential to break us or make us stronger. I believe that by listening to and caring for the children, by raising up a next generation who knows deep in their hearts that the love of God is promised to them too, that as a nation and as people of faith we will become stronger.
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