Christianity teaches that God is our loving father. Catholics often envision the Church as a loving mother. For most people throughout history these have been comforting images - a vast improvement over jealous or angry gods. But what happens to people whose experiences of their fathers and mothers are not so positive? Children of divorce often experience their fathers as absent or their mothers as preoccupied. Elizabeth Marquardt's book, Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce, tells the heart-rending story of the spiritual struggles of the children of divorced parents.

Marquardt conducted intensive in-person interviews with 71 young adult college graduates, half of whom experienced the divorce of their parents before the age of 14, while the other half grew up in intact families. On the basis of her interviews she developed a set of survey questions that she addressed to 1500 randomly chosen young men and women from around the country between the ages of 18 and 35. Because all her subjects maintained some contact with both parents, they were spared the most devastating experience of divorce: the complete loss of contact with one parent. In other words, Marquardt made an effort to choose people who were functioning well, whose lives had not been completely ruined by divorce. She wanted to see the impact of divorce, even on those young people who had weathered it well.

Less than 20% of adult children of divorce consider themselves "very religious," compared with almost 30% of children from intact families. The children of divorce were four times more likely to agree "My father has done things I find hard to forgive," compared with those from intact families. Similarly, 20% of the adult children of divorce said that "my mother has done things I find hard to forgive."

But these raw statistics don't tell the full story. One young woman was troubled by the commandment against adultery. As she gradually came to realize that her father had committed adultery, she felt a spiritual crisis. She wondered, not whether she could forgive her father, but whether God would forgive him.

Another woman described her disappointment with prayer:

"When stuff was happening that I didn't understand, I'd be like, 'Maybe I should pray.' I'd sit down and go, 'Okay, now how do I pray?' You'd start it as a letter. 'Dear God, how are you? I'm fine. Today was warm. I was hoping you could help me.' But then you kind of wonder about it because they never answer. So that made me wonder, 'Well, I wrote to him. I didn't get a letter back. That sounds like Dad."

Among the most poignant tales Elizabeth Marquardt tells about adult children of divorce is their response to the Biblical parable of the Prodigal Son. In their lives, people who left home never came back. They identified more with the forgiving father than with the sinful child. They saw themselves as willing to forgive, waiting for the prodigal to return home. But for them, it was a Prodigal Parent, rather than a Prodigal Son.

Some of Marquardt's subjects interpreted the story differently. "They say that even if they had rebelled and left home, there would not have been a stable home for them to return to." One woman went so far as to say, "I thought it was a nice idea if it would ever really work... to actually believe that you could just leave and the fact that love would always be constant. For me, it was like, if they love me, then why do they live so far away? Or why are they always going out with boyfriends....I figured if I left and went away, when I came back my house would be gone."

One of the most troubling finding of Marquardt's study was that of those who attended places of worship at the time their parents divorced, two-thirds say that no one, neither from the clergy or the congregation, reached out to help them. Many churches now have ministries for divorced members. Do those same churches have specific outreaches to their children? Perhaps some do. But all churches should.

The divorce culture poses a unique challenge to Christianity. Many of the central metaphors of Christianity are based on the family. God is the loving Father. Jesus is the bridegroom, and the Church is the Bride. Jerusalem and Zion are depicted as daughters of Yahweh. If the family breaks down, or becomes a source of pain rather than solace, the Christian message loses much of its appeal. In fact, the Christian message can become almost incomprehensible. For all these reasons, pastors need to attend seriously to the needs of the children of divorce. Reading Elizabeth Marquardt's honest book will be an essential aid to everyone who cares about healing their wounds.

The Muslim Street Explodes…in Europe!

The recent social upheaval spreading across France by predominately Muslim youth is more than mere hooliganism. For decades the French have encouraged massive immigration by North Africans to maintain employment levels necessary to finance extensive social programs. France's negative birth rate, due in part to the demoralizing consequences of French dogmatic Secularism, would otherwise result in a population death spiral.

The French have housed these immigrants in isolated communities on the outskirts of their cities and towns. Assimilation does not appear to have been a priority. Most live in government housing that resembles concrete military bunkers. Whereas the French youth suffer from a crushing 23% unemployment rate, this percentage jumps to a staggering 60% amongst the youth in Muslim suburbs.

So would jobs and better housing fix this? Prime Minister Monsieur de Villepin seems to be suggesting this. He is calling for more jobs and education and social subsidies to quell the violence. This may do the trick for the time being. But French Muslims make up 10% of the French people. They are beginning to understand that in a democracy 10% means real political power. These riots are less about jobs and housing and more about who will run France.

Is this the beginnings of a Muslim insurrection in France? Lets hope not. In the last presidential election 20% of the French electorate voted for the fascist candidate, Monsieur Le Pen. If French cities continue to burn this percentage could grow. Disaffected Muslim youth burning cars and schools is tragic. A fascist France would be catastrophic.

If the family breaks down, or becomes a source of pain rather than solace, the Christian message loses much of its appeal. In fact, the Christian message can become almost incomprehensible.

New light on a sensitive subject

There are a couple of things this book is not about. First, this book does not argue that no one should ever get divorced. Divorce is a vital option for ending very bad marriages. In homes where there is abuse, violence, serial infidelity, chronic addiction, or other serious problems, the best way to protect members of the family, especially the children, may be to end those marriages.

One major national study has turned up an important finding that helps clarify the question of when divorce is necessary. The researchers found that one-third of divorces end high-conflict marriages, in which the parents report physical abuse or serious and frequent quarreling. Not surprisingly, the children do better after these high-conflict marriages end. However, two-thirds of divorces end low-conflict marriages, in which the parents divorce because they are unhappy or unfulfilled, or have other problems that are not seriously threatening. The children of low-conflict couples fare worse after divorce because the divorce marks their first exposure to a serious problem. One day, without much warning, their world just falls apart.

Most parents take the decision to divorce quite seriously, but I urge parents to think harder still.

Why Marriage Matters, Second Edition: Twenty-Six Conclusions from the Social Sciences

1) Teenage girls who grow up without their biological fathers in the home are much more likely to experience puberty at markedly younger ages, compared to girls who grow up with their biological fathers. Partly as a consequence, the rate of teenage pregnancy is about 5 percent among girls whose fathers stick around for their entire childhood and about 30 percent among girls whose fathers left before they turned 6. Furthermore, girls who are exposed to an unrelated male in their home-a mother's boyfriend or a stepfather-experience puberty at an even earlier age than girls who just live with a single mother. University of Arizona psychologist Bruce Ellis suggests that pheromones-aromatic chemicals that send sexual signals between persons-may help explain the association between family structure and girls' sexual development.

"We conclude only that the parents are possessed of no constitutional right to prevent the public schools from providing information on that subject (sex) to their students in any forum or manner they select."

"We agree, and hold that there is no fundamental right of parents to be the exclusive provider of information regarding sexual matters to their children, either independent of their right to direct the upbringing and education of their children or encompassed by it."

From Judge Reinhardt's opinion
9th Circuit Court

Parents from the Palmdale School District got a clear message from the Palmdale School District after protesting the survey given to 1, 3rd and 5th grade students that included 10 questions about sensitive sexual issues.

The sexual references are:

8. Touching my private parts too much

17. Thinking about having sex

22. Thinking about touching other people's private parts

23. Thinking about sex when I don't want to

26. Washing myself because I feel dirty on the inside

34. Not trusting people because they might want sex

40. Getting scared or upset when I think about sex

44. Having sex feelings in my body

47. Can't stop thinking about sex

54. Getting upset when people talk about sex

The reasoning of Judge Reinhardt's speaks for itself.

"In summary, we hold that there is no free-standing fundamental right of parents 'to control the upbringing of their children by introducing them to matters of and relating to sex in accordance with their personal religious values and beliefs' and that the inserted right is not encompassed by any other fundamental right. In doing so, we do not quarrel with the parents' right to inform and advise their children about the subject of sex as they see fit. We conclude only that the parents are possessed of no constitutional right to prevent the public schools from providing information on that subject to their students in any forum or manner they select. We further hold that a psychological survey is a reasonable state action pursuant to legitimate educational as well as health and welfare interests of the state. Accordingly, the parent-appellants have failed to state a federal claim upon which relief may be granted."

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